A Difference a Year Makes

imageSo, it’s been a year. A year since I got my act together, my ducks in a row, my “****” together. A year since I was miserable so much that I cried in the doctor’s office the whole visit. I couldn’t stop crying that day. I had called my best friend from college and said, “hey, I am going to a weight loss guy, and I am serious this time”. She started crying. WHAT???

So this has been a year of crying. I am almost crying now, because I am a little flipped out about my right ankle, and not being able to “walk on the treadmill”, right now. See, exercise has become my way of coping. By coping, I mean not gaining the weight back. And when I say exercise, please, understand, I don’t mean the really hard stuff. But walking on the treadmill was (is) perfect for me because I can read while I walk. I don’t want to do any type of exercise that requires any more concentration. Really. Reading is what helps me take my mind on a journey that transcends my present circumstances, and if I can’t read and exercise, I am very afraid I won’t do it at all.

But boy, do I have some good friends. I have a FB friend practically giving me a Gazelle, and a book club friend loaning me a recumbent bike for an indefinite period of time. And don’t think I haven’t thought about just hopping on the treadmill until I get these great machines, because I am so nervous about going back to what I was.

I have a great life. I have good parents and in-laws, good kids, a good job. But when I think about where I was a year ago, I start to hyperventilate, I start to lose my breath.

Because I know how. Now, I know how. Between Dr. Naden and Angela Long, I know what to do and not to do. If it’s white, it ain’t right. Forgive me this, but bread, pasta and potatoes are not good for us. I only (try) to eat things that are good for me, and it’s really hard. Unless you have struggled with your weight, it’s hard to know this feeling.

I first went on a “diet” in 1991. Nutri-system, when I was at Life College, and I lost quite a bit of weight. But I never changed my life. I walked for exercise, and tried to not eat the wrong things, but within a year, I had gained it all back. I was at my heaviest by 1994, when I was first in practice, and I got “serious” and lost down another 90 pounds. (After I had gained back those pounds lost in college). I dated a nice guy pretty seriously, and then we parted ways, and by 2000, I was back where I started. AUGHGHGHGH!!!

I have been through every weight loss program there is, short of surgery. My dad, every birthday, offered to pay for gastric bypass surgery. Hubs was totally opposed to this option; I understand why, the more that I learn.

Living within your weight is a habit. Moderation is key. I know someone who had an epiphany about food just the other day, when asking our weight loss guru about eating “this” or “that”. The guru said, “you can have a little of ‘this’ or ‘that’, but just a little.”

I can eat what I want, but just not as much. I can eat one cookie, or a small bowl of chips, or a small order of fries (cut in half, right now). I just can’t eat the whole bag, order, or cake. It’s been a year, and I am still doing this. Thank GOD!!!! It is His provenance that is keeping me strong…when all else is failing. My life has had some serious stressors lately, and God has been there, all along. Now, ask my kids, and they will tell you, “Mom needs a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos”, because that might make me a little nicer. But it won’t make me live to be the meddling mother-in-law, lol. And FYI, my MIL is not meddling, so I am not referring to her. My poor daughter-in-laws, I will be that mother-in-law, I might just be Marie…but seriously, I want to live to see my grandchildren, and since I started so late, I better live late, too!!

I just want to encourage people like me…YOU CAN DO THIS TOO!!! America is known now for its obesity “epidemic”. I am a part of that. But I have chosen to do something about it. No matter where you are in your journey, you can change who you are just for today. AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) has a saying that talks about that. That just for today, I won’t drink. Just 24 hours. That’s what I say to myself. Just for today, I will eat what is good for me, not the crap that kills me. I will only do what is good, just for today. Tomorrow, I can do whatever, but just for this 24 hour period, I will win.

So…I got my Gazelle today, and I am going to be on that baby tomorrow morning. I put my “year ago” picture up on the pantry…let me tell you, that works. But most of all, I am living one day at a time, and I am keeping my heart focused on my God and my family, not my flesh. You can do this, too. I am not special. I have no superhuman powers. I just decided to live life one day at a time, with an eye to the future. You can do this too.

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3 thoughts on “A Difference a Year Makes

  1. Hang in there…. You are an inspiration!!! And BTW, keep the haircut…. It just looks so good on you!!! You are ( and were) beautiful, it’s the health that is the issue…. And I have been to hell and back trying to lose weight. But we now know thyroid is my big issue…. Doctor tomorrow and I hope a serious help!!! Getting off prescription meds that are ( and have been) my help for symptoms…. But not a cure to my ailment. Love your posts… Keep writing, great therapy!!! Plus you are good at it, girlfriend!!!!

  2. Tina,
    I just want to encourage you by affirming how encouraging you truly are to others. It takes enormous courage to write your blogs. Your writing is so authentic. I know that is impossible without “just going for it,” cutting open your heart and wounds and laying them, open and vulnerable. It is such a risk, to be that vulnerable, but it is so valuable to others.
    You could just journal. We therapists love to have people journal as a way of processing, reflecting, learning, and keeping tangible evidence of the journey’s successes, failures, insights, etc., You could just do that. So, I think it must just be your innate kindness that motivates you or your dedication to God and the knowledge that all glory belongs to Him . Maybe a combination of both. Regardless of the reason(s), courage is required.
    I respect you for that. I thank you for that. You are one of those people who make my mind start to play, “This little light of mine……
    Much love and thanks,
    Em

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