Shoo, fly, don’t bother me


Remember the movie from the 80’s called “The Fly”?  Where Jeff Goldblum attempted to teleport and succeeded, but didn’t realize there was a FLY in the chamber and he became this huge monstrosity, with a bizarrely licking tongue and jerky movements, and eventually…well, I can’t really remember what happened to him, after Geena Davis discovered his inadvertent mistake.  I am pretty sure he was put out of his nasty misery, but Jeff Goldblum lived on to conquer dinosaurs so all was well.

But I think I found his cousin yesterday.  I was in my bathroom, washing my face and preparing for bed, when I heard this menacing sound, a buzzing that reverberated in my skull as I searched for its source.

I finally saw the hideous creature responsible for this sound. It was a horse fly.  These are the bane of our existence during the summer. We have a NEIGH-bor (pun is going to be included) that might or might not be keeping horses illegally in the city limits.  We have heard rumors that they were keeping horses behind their property, and last summer those dirty, annoying horse flies were a huge nuisance; they did at least provide my brother with opportunity to release stress by trying to swat them in the pool.

We would be relaxing in the pool and all of a sudden we see Brother slamming a boogie board through the air in an attempt to murder the little boogers.  It gave him more satisfaction than maybe it should have when he made contact, but after today, I wish I had a flame thrower to attack them with.

So after I locate the beasty horse fly, I am trying to kill it, and all I could think about is leaving it alive and having it land on me in the middle of the night.  Those things hurt!  It did get me on the thigh last night, but then disappeared and I finally calmed down and forgot about it…

Until this morning.  I am in our little cubicle of a toilet room, reading on my ipad and going about my business before I get in the shower. So imagine the state of dress I am in.

All of a sudden, in this little 4×2 room, I hear THE SOUND.  That buzzing sound.  I look up and the BEAST is in the little room with me and I have no defense!!!  I eagle eye it and wait for it to descend from near the light fixture, and as it starts to come lower, I start swinging at it with my ipad and start hollering for the boys to bring the BEAST swatter (fly swatter, and thank GOD their dad was not home because the noise that came out of his mouth when I was just telling him about it was obnoxious, he doesn’t understand my fear).

I am swinging and hollering and it comes toward me and all I can think about is it landing on some tender part and stinging and burning its way through my skin, and then I lost sight of it and started jumping up and down to scare it away from said parts, because remember, I am in a 4×2 room at this point.

I finally open the door to 2 boys who are simultaneously laughing and looking scared because their naked mother is jumping up and down and hollering about a horse fly beast.  They start running away when I open the door, and they have the only weapon, as I have thrown my ipad at it in an attempt to subdue the Beast.

I feel a burn on my stomach and look down and THERE IT IS!!!  I scream and run into the shower as the boys scatter, and fortunately the water helps soothe the burn and I think to myself, “water will repel it” and I finally can relax.

Except the Beast is still in our house.  We have heard it and caught elusive sightings of it throughout the day.  I might sleep with the Beast swatter in my hand tonight.  Poor Hubs, he might wake up to a swat tonight, and not the interesting kind.  It’s not my fault if I hear him snore and mistake him for the Beast fly.


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