Have you ever wanted to just stay in bed, not do anything but watch Netflix or sleep or just lay there?
Yeah, me neither.
Seriously, though. I was living life. Working. Churching. Momming. Wifing. Probably not doing a great job at any of them, but things got done and kept moving.
We get very caught up in the day to day, don’t we?
This year has been the year that I have wanted to just say, “Okay, I am done, I just want to sit on the sidelines and watch and not participate.” This year has been HARD.
In January I had a stroke, and in February my dad died.
I have started this post more times than I can count. In 2013, I wrote about starting and not stopping. I did okay for awhile. I lost 97 pounds, exercised every day, took a diet pill for 8 months, and basically got myself under control. I got cocky and braggy and thought, “Hey, I got this, I have lost weight and I will NEVER gain it back and I am going to lose even more and I will be in CHARGE of my life.”
Then a parent got sick.
If you have followed my blog, you know that in 2013, my dad was diagnosed with a horrible form of dementia, and I went off the tracks. For those who have never dealt with any sort of addiction, it’s hard to describe how insidious it begins. “Oh, I will just have this and it will be okay.”
“Oh, I can have this, I will buy this, but I won’t eat it.”
And then I stopped the diet pill, and then it was like, BAMMM.
My dad was put into assisted living and my boys had lives and I had a life and we were busy, and the next stinking thing I know, I have gained back every stupid pound I had lost.
I can tell you this, reader, because I can’t flipping hide it, can I? The Bible talks about secret sin, but us heavy people who are Christians, we can’t hide our stupid sin, like all the gossipers, the enviers and the mean people, oh, wait, mean people don’t hide their sin well either.
Romans 7:15 and beyond says:
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
So why can’t I get a grip on my sin???
I am writing this because I know that there are those out there just like me. I am struggling. I have struggled all my life. But once I accepted Christ, that struggle has been shared with Him.
Once again, my choices are about life and death. I had a stroke 4 months ago. I can still brush my own teeth, walk, talk and perform personal hygiene. Do you think that’s a wake up call? So life and death. I now have 5 different doctors. FIVE. I now take 5 pills a day, I had to buy an old lady pill box because I got tired of opening pill bottles.
Choice. Life or death. Walking or limping. Speaking or slurring. I got real serious about my health then, and started seeing all sorts of doctors and taking 5 pills a day, and started exercising again and talking a good fight…
Then my dad died. The man that helped make me who I am, and the man I loved and admired and got frustrated with…died.
I lost myself for a few weeks. I quit. I couldn’t function. But one morning, God used 2 women to get me out of my funk, and I have been getting closer to the light ever since.
So I am blogging again about my weight struggle. Because it’s time. And I try to be honest with people. And because I need to vent. And because life is hard and I can’t eat every time I get stressed or I will lose so much of what I want.
Do you feel like you are out of control sometimes? Me too. Do you want to give up? Me too. Do you still get up every morning? Me too. Is this life harder than we want it to be? Yep.
I am going to take a step from AA. Just for today, I can do this. Just for today, I will not eat a French fry. Just for today, I will walk a mile, even if it takes me an hour and if I were behind me in a car I would be cussing me out. Just for today, I can do this. I will fail, I am sure, but just for today, I will do what I can.
Life has come at me fast for a while. I cannot excuse the position in which I find myself. We are totally responsible for our choices. For today, I choose to live. I have to. And I hope you will too.