Still not that mom

We have been playing one sport or another for the last 11 months.  I think we had November off, 3 weeks with no practices to go to.

Baseball started in February before basketball was even over.

And now, it’s only a month till school starts, and we are still playing baseball. And I will have 3 children, at 3 different schools, with 3 different schedules, once August kicks in.

And I have to ask for forgiveness every day, and the Hubs gets more and more annoyed with me every day.

My fruit of the Spirit has shriveled up, and it really bothers me, but I seem to be unable to care enough to change it.

I am selfish. If I had to name my biggest flaw, evened out over my entire lifetime, selfishness is it.  And if I think hard about it, all of my faults extend from this one huge flaw; the yelling, the impatience, the annoyance with things that I don’t care about, all of that is about selfishness.

My middle, Monkey, loves baseball.  I really wish I did. There are parents on his team that go to every practice and actually stay there; I drop Monkey off and tell him his dad will be there to pick him up, because it is July in Alabama and eggs will fry on your car, man, eggs will FRY ON YOUR CAR.

So I complain….A LOT.  I have tried to keep it to a minimum, but have decided the only way to really rein it in, is to not go to the games or practices, and just text his dad to find out how it’s going, and we all seem to be happier that way.

And I totally admire the parents who make the effort and love being there, and are in it for real, and then I really feel bad, and then I get mad because I feel bad and doggone it, I am selfish and do not want to be outside sweating and stressed at his games.

So I had a conversation with my mom, who says, “you are doing this to yourself.” Um, no, Monkey has done this to me.  She said, “No…you can choose not to go, or participate, Hubs will do what is necessary, and if he doesn’t, then he will figure it out.”

This blew my mind.

I have to do this baseball thing, right?

I will be judged by other moms and families if I don’t, right?

My mom said, “So what? You are you, and the stress this causes you is what you do to yourself.  Same with your house.  You always apologize about the mess when I come over; if you really cared about the mess, you would care enough to do something about it. Own it, admit it, I don’t care about it, and stop stressing.”

WOW.  She is totally right. I am not the person who is ever going to have a super neat and “everything is in its place” house.  Ever.  Never have, Never will. Because there is always something I would rather be doing.  Reading a book.  Reading Facebook.  Playing a game. Hanging out with the kids. Napping.

So what if I decide to not go to the big World Series? Weatherman does not want to go, and Monkey says he doesn’t care if I am there or not.  I played volleyball in high school, and my parents came to maybe one game per season, and they came when we won state my junior year; otherwise, I knew they had lives outside of mine, and really didn’t care if they were there or not.  My dad worked so I could play ball, and have a car, and have a life that was pretty comfortable.

Will middle son mind if I am not there?  His dad is ready for me to stay home, because even though I think I am pretty funny with my “not a baseball mom” comments, he’s not getting my humor.  Don’t get me wrong….I LOVE MY SON.  I would jump in front of a train for him, take a bullet for him, but do not want to sit in what I have been told is the hottest place in the south for him. And even more, do I want to face his dad all weekend if I complain all weekend?

Does this make me a bad mom, and should I care if others think that?

My parents’ lives never revolved around me.  I found rides home from volleyball practice or I wouldn’t have been playing. My dad decided what we did and where we went.  This is hard for me, to let my child’s schedule dictate my life, and I am not sure if that’s all due to my selfishness.

So if you don’t see me at the World Series, know that I decided to be selfish, and if I am there, well, I will give Hubs some earplugs so he doesn’t have to hear my complaining. And I will not apologize for either.

 

 

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One thought on “Still not that mom

  1. There comes a point where we all own our flaws, and accept them. It’s hard for me, too, with band. Last year I just checked out. No games, no booster, no volunteering, nothing! I felt better and Yasmine didn’t care. I didn’t do anything except “Night of bands” which I love! Be you, Tina.

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